tango-tangle April 2, 2009

No, I did not die. Just restless about the future. Dissatisfied, as usual. With myself, as usual. I guess nothing changed. Changes take longer than I thought. But self-hatred, as I learned from previous experience, is not constructive. So I shall ignore it, as usual. And all is good. My self-indulgent life. It’s funny, I thought about babooning, I was there, on the balcony, experiencing a state that was appropriate for that particular activity. But I didn’t do it. I don’t understand why I didn’t do it. I mean I do… but I don’t want to speak it out loud…

I’m afraid I might be getting back to my old “thoughtful” self.  I’m not sure how I feel about that. I hate that the pressure got to me. But at the same time it’s a tempting feeling. It has its benefits, but unfortunately it’s an endless roaming state. And who am I kidding? I managed to fool myself for a while, but obviously my true nature came forth. Shamelessly. I usually joke about these things, but now I might just consider them seriously. At the end of the day I know I’ll give in to myself anyway. I’ll still love making mistakes just to feel alive. I’ll choose the simple way. Not out, but in. And by definition, “in” is complicated. You can’t treat complicated with simple. Or can you? Gosh. Nothing ever works with people, does it? It’s so beautiful. I wanna leave it like that. Cause probably I won’t be able to get inside anyway. So, here you are. Untouched nonsense. And then touched, but not penetrated. I wish I could have you like that forever. I wish I would never long for more. But I will. I do, even now. But now I’m humble, cause I hate myself. So I won’t dare. Ok, dear words?  Sing.

your eyes are soft with sorrow November 10, 2008

tot ce-am vrut a fost sa nu mai mor odata cu lumina. no more dying in the sun. and no eternal reward will forgive me for wasting the dawn. I want to see the first red ray of light with a smile on my face. the smile of real human touch. not fear, not uneasiness, not anguish. not ceasing, but starting. not normal, but alive. a monday smile? a “don’t go away” smile. a kiss left on the cheek for the whole day. I’m not built for this. but I want to try it like it’s mine to have. and when he leaves I blow baboons in the wind behind him. they will carry my voice and whisper in his ear when they burst against his hair: “hey, that’s no way to say good-bye”.

imi caut linistea June 4, 2008

intr-o scapare. intr-o schimbare de peisaj. intr-o clipa de dezmat. intr-un veac de constiinciozitate. intr-un var cu amprente de somn. intr-o bratara in culori de fluture. am cantat cat am putut, dar acum simt ca e timpul pentru un alt fel de doina. mi se zbate inima si tot ce pot nutri e sentimentul ca voi pierde. dati-mi si mie o doza din acel evantai fragil. pana maine cand o sa uit de ce am avut nevoie de el.

imi venise un gand in somn. l-am scapat de grija sa nu-l fure altul.

it’s ok. you can hate me for my weakness now. I won’t cry. I know I’m human now.

nastere prin avort June 1, 2008

hat…sagetuta in jos…remember me….create new post….view drafts…8 drafts…nu ma mai recunosc in nici unul… sau ma recunosc dar nu mai inteleg. New post.

Nu pot sa scriu aici tot ce simt pentru mine. N-ar fi intelept sa le dai o arma impotriva ta cunoscutilor si necunoscutilor. Am fugit intotdeauna de problemele etice. Nu m-am considerat apta si nici indreptatita sa judec pe nimeni in afara de mine. Nu, mint. De fapt am dreptul sa judec pe oricine imi afecteaza viata. Asta nu inseamna ca-mi pot asuma si curajul implicat de dreptul asta. Caci ce poate fi mai inspaimantator decat sa te privesti condamnand oameni stiind in acelasi timp ca ei fac acelasi lucru cu tine. Si ai doua optiuni. Fie sa alegi o pedeapsa mai grea decat cea pe care ar fi ales-o ei pentru tine daca ai fi in situatia celui judecat si sa fii tot timpul mai dur decat toti, fie sa ierti, deci sa te ierti, cu despovararea unui om care a fost salvat definitiv. Daca alegi prima solutie, o sa ai o viata in care o sa fii respectat si temut, o viata in care oricand poti fi injunghiat pe la spate. Daca alegi a doua solutie, o sa ai o viata in care o sa te simti om, o viata in care oricand poti fi injughiat pe la spate. Dar astea-s drame prea indepartate de scenariile din viata de zi cu zi. In realitate lucrurile sunt mult mai simple. Nimeni nu primeste acelasi tratament. Nimeni nu e atat de intelept sau perspicace incat sa fie in stare sa cantareasca pedeapsa DREAPTA pentru fiecare individ. Asa ca solutiile impracticabile trebuie fie rezolvate prin metode insuficiente, fie ignorate. Adevarul e ca nimeni nu poate recurge doar la una dintre aceste doua optiuni pe tot timpul vietii. Nu putem decat sa combinam cele doua metode si sa le aplicam aleatoriu, in functie de dispozitie sau de implicatiile psihologice.

Toate astea sunt aberatii. Daca paragraful de mai sus ar fi analizat dupa rigorile logicii, n-ar avea nicio sansa sa treaca testul. Dar nu-i nimic, astfel de paragrafe sunt rostite si crezute zilnic pentru ca nimeni nu cunoaste rigorile logicii. Nimic nou sub soare. My point is – nimeni nu poate fi obiectiv. De fapt this is a known fact. Ce adaug eu e ca nimeni nu vrea sa fie obiectiv. Obiectivitatea e la fel de mind-wrecking ca efectul unui ciocan aplicat in cap cu puterea unui elefant picat de pe acoperis. Iluzia obiectivitatii, now that’s something people can cope with.

De fapt, habar n-am ce-am vrut sa spun mai sus. Am un blog. Ma joc si eu. Apropo, e ziua copilului. Dar noi, licentiabilii, n-avem voie sa ne gandim la asta. Am 22 de ani. Am mintit la chestionar.

metamasa May 2, 2008

Da, stiu ca-s ipocrizia intruchipata, stiu ca-s naspa, ca n-am absolut niciun motiv sa ma simt un om respectabil, stiu toate astea, imi cunosc toate defectele si toate neajunsurile. N-am nicio pretentie sa fiu tratata ca o regina, imi cunosc locul si sunt dispusa sa stau acolo pana la sfarsitul vietii mele. Dar toate astea-s intr-un sistem care nu ma intereseaza in mod direct. Sau cel putin care nu ma inspira.

Am incercat sa descopar un sistem in care eu as fi buricul pamantului. Evident, nu e greu sa te inconjuri de oameni mai naspa decat tine, care sa te faca sa te simti destept si frumos si cel mai tare. Problema cu un astfel de sistem sunt eu, ca m-o facut mamuca prea lucida ca sa ma las vrajita de make-belief stories. Asa ca sunt condamnata sa-mi privesc statutul josnic in fata si sa-l imbratisez ca pe unicul meu copil drag si diform pe care l-am fatat dupa multe ore chinuitoare de travaliu abject.

Blogul asta e dovada scrisa a neputintei mele de a ma adapta unei lumi in care majoritatea oamenilor functioneaza dupa regulile stabilite fara nicio problema…majora (in mod normal). E locul in care planuiam sa ma demasc si sa ma sochez cu propria mea nerusinare de a ma lasa descoperita in fata unui public restrans si plin de prejudecati care ma cunoaste sau nu in realitate. E locul in care trebuia sa am curajul sa-mi expun monstrii fara sa-mi fie rusine si frica de urmarile asupra vietii mele sociale (lolz). Locul in care dadeam oricui privilegiul nemeritat de a ma privi si-a ma condamna scarbit.

De multe ori am fost tentata sa-mi inabus sinceritatea cu cate-un ocolis deloc subtil sau cu un pic de autoironie ieftina, ca nah, asta-i firea umana. Sunt si eu victima multor procese psihice care imi permit sau nu sa recunosc cvasi-public evidentul. Dar asta nu inseamna ca nu sunt condusa de dorinta arzatoare de-a-mi expune bubele pentru cei ce ma iubesc si (iarta-i, Doamne) incearca sa ma accepte in continuare, pe de-o parte, si pentru cei ce abia asteapta sa foloseasca toate astea impotriva mea (da-le doamne cele de trebuinta ca tare-mi place sa am motive temeinice sa ma victimizez, macar ca ma distrage de la obisnuitele lamentari), de pe alta.

Simte-te deci, publicule, inarmat pana-n dinti. Poti veni aici ca sa cresti mare si puternic, asa cum numai danonino stie sa te faca. Dar sa nu crezi ca nu sunt constienta de asta. Gandeste-te ca am nobilitatea unui raufacator smerit care vine singur si nesilit de nimeni la spanzuratoare. N-ai niciun merit pentru caderea mea. Iar eu n-o sa fiu niciodata cea invinsa pentru ca nu imi pasa de destinul meu pe pamant. Imi pasa doar de destinul meu in mintea mea. Asta e adevarata arma care ma poate face sa sufar cu toata fiinta. Fac asta pentru ca visez la o lume ideala in care oamenii nu ar folosi niciodata avantajele gratuite, obtinute fara batai de cap, pentru a se ridica (da, se pare ca am tendinte mai biblice decat credeam).

Aici incerc eu sa par ca nu ma afecteaza propriile mele greseli. Ca lipsa mea de prejudecati ma elibereaza si ma face imuna atacurilor ticalosilor. Ca-i intelept sa nu raspund provocarilor. Incerc, ma jur, sa fiu dura si aroganta si rea, ca nah, asa am observat ca poti trai cel mai bine intr-o astfel de lume, dar pretul mi se pare prea mare. Fraiera de mine chiar s-a atasat de slabiciunea asta inocenta si naiva de-a-mi taia singura craca de sub picioare. Ahhh that’s so sweet… (cenzurat: injuratura lunga de impleticit limba).

Bineinteles ca stiu ca I bite more than I can chew, dar asta-i pentru ca is obisnuita sa-mi pregatesc mai intai tot materialul muncii dupa care ma apuc de treaba sisifoasa. Mi-as fi dorit sa fiu….offf…atat de multe. Da’ ce sa-i faci mama daca nu e material cognicios pus la dispozitie de natura ma-sii (pe care o iubim, de altfel)…ce sa faci daca n-ai cu ce mah, n-ai cu ce…

In concluzie (fara mare legatura, de altfel, pentru ca asa ne-au invatat profesorii de redactare corecta dupa norme academice), am putea oare sa numim acest blog terenul descoperirii de sine? Da, daca acceptam ca in acelasi timp e si terenul improscarii cu rahat a sinelui. …HA-HA… *rolling eyes* 

the story of forget-me-not May 2, 2008

She was a pretty little thief. Charming and irresistable. Nobody could refuse her company. She sometimes thought what a great use that could be for her, but she never actually had the courage to try it. She feared the consequences. She feared that her dark intentions would take the place of her pretty face and perfect curly hair. And nobody would want to look at her again. She knew that deep inside she craved for it. She knew what a great temptation it was to give in and act according to her moods. But never had she thought she would dare walk on that ground. That incredibly fragile ground that would give her the adrenaline rush she so needed.

Her dreams and wishes meant nothing. All she wanted is to fall freely in disgrace. To have the perfect freedom to let go of everything that she had created around her. To answer to nobody about her foolish acts. To do whatever atrocious deed without worrying about the monster it would make her. To be a sort of passing figure that nobody would recognize the second time.

There were days when she couldn’t get herself to look in the mirror. And there were days when she couldn’t take her eyes off her beautiful soft white skin, imagining the hands of a warm stranger on her bare cold shoulders who would for a few hours give her the satisfaction of breathing. No doubt she was alive. And no doubt she was dead. Whenever she would dare mourn herself, the beating of her heart boomed her chest and she could ignore it no longer.

A lot of kind people offered their support to the poor victim of nature that she was, so helpless and vulnerable to the evil of the world, and she was happy to accept it. In her lonely little apartment, playing her lonely little games… It’s the only thing she would never give up…her loneliness. Standing there by the window wondering why anyone would ever love her. And why anyone wouldn’t love her. And how others could just bear letting her pass by. She could never bear letting anyone pass by. She liked to smell every single perfume she would encounter, to consume any eye-contact until it would suck her in.

She wondered about love and such things and thought of trying to find it, but she didn’t know how to begin. She loved everyone she met because everyone meant something so different to her. She didn’t know how she could feel more. She thought that everything she has to give, she already gave. And nobody ever asked for more. Nobody even suggested there could be more. So what was love? Was she too insensitive to know it?

In the end she agreed that it didn’t matter. So many questions could only do her harm. So she stopped wondering and continued to love the light of the sunset and the silence of the stars. She could understand those. They would always keep her company and would never linger too long. Just enough so she wouldn’t feel forgotten.

I’m it! February 4, 2008

Am primit si eu o leapsa care am vazut ca a tot circulat de ceva vreme prin blogosfera. Raspund cam tarziu la ea pentru ca n-am fost atentionata de Gia la momentul respectiv si in sesiune nu ma prea plimb pe bloguri. Dar multumesc oricum, dude. )

Pasii, deja cunoscuti de toata lumea probabil, sunt urmatorii:

1. Ia cartea care este cea mai aproape de tine.
2. Deschide-o la pagina 123.
3. Găseste a 5-a propozitie/frază.
4. Postează pe blog textul următoarelor 4 propozitii/fraze cu aceste instructiuni.
5. Nu îndrazni sa scotocesti prin rafturi după cartea aceea foarte deosebită sau “intelectuală”.
6. Da leapsa mai departe la alti 6 prieteni.

Booooon, am trecut peste dilema “ce carte sa aleg” datorata faptului ca atunci cand am vazut postul Giei ma aflam plasata strategic pe pat intre un dictionar si cartea cu care a raspuns la leapsa chiar Gia (“Cinci milenii de manipulare” – cursul nostru de Marketing politic cu alte cuvinte, din care se pare ca eu m-am apucat sa invat pentru examen mai tarziu decat Gia, nah, m-ati prins p), masurand efectiv distantele (vorbesc serios, chiar am scos rigla p) si constatand ca eram cu 6 cm mai aproape de dictionar. Therefore, here goes (o sa fie foarte interesant indeed )):

“BONIFICA – (dupa fr.) vb. I tranz. A scadea din valoarea unei facturi o suma oarecare pentru a compensa lipsa la o marfa, o pierdere, o deteriorare sau o nepotrivire de calitate; a face o reducere, un rabat. – bonificare s.f.

BONIFICATIE – (<fr.) s.f. 1. Compensatie in bani acordata printr-o reducere a unei obligatii de plata.  2. (SPORT) Avantaj constand in imbunatatirea timpului realizat, acordat primului sau primilor clasati intr-o intrecere (ex in ciclism).

BONITARE – dupa germ. Bonitierung) s.f. Determinare a bonitatii; apreciere (economica) pe baza unor criterii stabilite; clasificare dupa bonitate.”

“Mic dictionar enciclopedic” se numeste dictionarul, si va asigur ca nu e mic deloc, e huge si greu si vechi. Nu va pot spune alte detalii pentru ca lipsesc copertele (told you it’s old). p Da cred ca e editat candva pe timpul comunismului, sau cu cativa ani dupa….stiu ca m-am uitat odata, dar evident ca am uitat, dooooh, se putea altfel?
Ce pacat ca n-aveam cartea de Kama Sutra langa mine p. Sorry to have bored you, people. D

Leapsa merge catre Miruna (care stiu ca a mai primit leapsa asta o data, dar nu de la cineva la fel de close ca mine p), Zaky, Cami, Andra, Aida, Vladutz.

me is getting dizzzzzyyyyy…. January 26, 2008

 So this is supposedly a”brain personality” test, you know, the type that tells you if you’re a right brainiac or a wrong (:op) brainiac (no offense, science ppl p), according to those said here about the functions of the brain and how we perceive movement. But I don’t think it’s about how we PERCEIVE movement, I think it’s about how we ourselves MOVE in that particular situation, because the brain has the power to put oneself in the position of the person they’re looking at (empathy, in a less emotional way and a more spacial and physical way).

It’s already a known fact that right-handers have a different way of approaching things (they tend to give their right side of the body priority in movement), as opposed to left-handers. This is almost the same situation as if you had been asked to make a pirouette the way you feel comfortable to and you start spinning left or right. To me, for example, the version with the spinning on the left foot seems more natural because I am a right-hander, although the way the lady spins is quite impossible from a physical point of view because she is completely unbalanced in both situations. Spinning on the left foot and leaning on the right side seems to be more of a skater’s way of flipping on the right, which is different from the balance without skates. Following me? Cuz I’m not. ) I’ve even confused myself more now. p

In any case, I don’t think it has anything to do with IQ or intelligence, as somebody on the corporateovernight yahoo group said (it was even said the ability to see the lady spinning in both directions means that you’re a genius, which is completely far fetched since that’s very easy to do), it’s just the way we feel movement. Hope I’m right. And I am a right brainiac person. p Even if I can think with the left side of my brain as well.

     

hmmmm… January 14, 2008

As much as Cis hates herself, she can’t help but be proud of her cooking. ) Though I’m prolly doing smth wrong cuz almost all my cooking gives me tummy aches. p

In fine, vroiam sa spun ceva, dar bineinteles ca mancarea m-a facut sa uit, hapsana lu’ mama. p

Ah, mi-am amintit. Cis is demented D

why Cis is not present these days December 6, 2007

Stiu ca suferiti ingrozitor din cauza lipsei mele pe net de  zilele astea p, asa ca o sa va dau si-o explicatie: rds-ul trece pe fibra optica si o sa am unstable connection toata luna decembrie… Asa ca o sa fiu nevoita sa stau la panda de net toata ziua si sa-mi rezolv treburile in intervalurile in care prind conexiunea… Shitty, but that’s life… Will miss the old days ))