Last time I checked socata n-ar trebui sa fie alcoolica… dar nah, ce stie tata despre fermentare, ca doar nu el avea fabrica de bere la un moment dat… Si uite asa se imbata copiii inainte de examen fara voia lor, cand tot ce vroiau era o bautura racoritoare naturala si fresh. Acuma da-i cu cafea pe gat, ca e nevoie de neuroni treji. There’s a silly looking dog on my cup, can I name it Dodo? :oD
So, sa ne amintim what I stand for. Vreau sa salvez lumea de ea insasi. Si cand nu voi reusi voi deveni un artist care-si plange conditia de erou ratat. N-ai cu cine, mah, n-ai cu cine… :op Yes, sounds like a good plan. What do I need all this for?
Rascoli-mi-ai sufletu’ in momente mai potrivite, alright? Ce linistita priveam linia orizontului atunci in gradina.
Asa, going back to levitating outside my body. Have a glorious week, body! :op When I’m back inside all this will have passed.
In the trough of the waves
Which are pawing like dogs
Between pale-faced and grave
As I write in my log
And then I hear a noise from the hull
Seven days out to sea
And it is the damnable bell
And it tolls, I believe, that it tolls
It tolls for me!
And it tolls for me!
Pas cu pas o sa trec prin asta. Si cand imi voi recapata libertatea voi zambi si voi uita, asa cum s-a mai intamplat dupa momente de rascruce. Nu e important pentru mine, e important pentru bunul mers al lucrurilor. Si totusi nu-mi amintesc sa fi avut si un alt fel de functionare. Desi simt ca odata eram mai demna. Oare ce aveam de pierdut atunci?
Nu mai am pretentii de la mine, deja mi-am dovedit ca sunt produsul previzibil al circumstantelor si ca nu-mi pot depasi conditia, dar ca nu-s facuta pentru lanturi. Inoroaga irationala si muribunda. Fara nesimtirea de-a o striga in gura mare. Cu nesimtirea de-a o disimula. Voi trece cu pasii mei lenesi si insuficienti prin zilele astea de sugrumare progresiva. Voi trece si voi urî fiecare moment. Si apoi ii voi da drumul lui Cis.
O sa-mi fie dor de mine. Si de vechiul inteles al unei cafele.
Nu stiu de ce n-am facut conexiunea pana acum, ca doar this is what I wanna do in life… Licenta pe social ad campaigns. Acuma o sa stau sa ma dau cu capu’ de pereti ca nu m-am gandit cand trebuia. Well it’s too late now. Just like:
If it takes you too long to find it, it may be too late.
I found it, but it took me a while (originalul e fara cuvantul incercuit, of course). La celelalte nici nu m-am mai obosit. I got it. It’s too late.
Bineinteles ca nu m-am gandit nicio clipa la nisiposu’ lu’ 1 maiu cat am stat aici inchisa-n mizeria asta de cutie plutitoare. Aici sunt la inaltime, dar tot inchisa. Va pot vedea, dar nu va pot atinge.
And Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water, and he spent a long time watching from his lonely wooden tower, and when he knew for certain only drowning men could see him, he said all men will be sailors then until the sea shall free them. But he himself was broken, long before the sky would open… forsaken, almost human, he sank beneath your wisdom like a stone…
Only in a cold scenery can I manifest my warmness.
Da, stiu ca-s ipocrizia intruchipata, stiu ca-s naspa, ca n-am absolut niciun motiv sa ma simt un om respectabil, stiu toate astea, imi cunosc toate defectele si toate neajunsurile. N-am nicio pretentie sa fiu tratata ca o regina, imi cunosc locul si sunt dispusa sa stau acolo pana la sfarsitul vietii mele. Dar toate astea-s intr-un sistem care nu ma intereseaza in mod direct. Sau cel putin care nu ma inspira.
Am incercat sa descopar un sistem in care eu as fi buricul pamantului. Evident, nu e greu sa te inconjuri de oameni mai naspa decat tine, care sa te faca sa te simti destept si frumos si cel mai tare. Problema cu un astfel de sistem sunt eu, ca m-o facut mamuca prea lucida ca sa ma las vrajita de make-belief stories. Asa ca sunt condamnata sa-mi privesc statutul josnic in fata si sa-l imbratisez ca pe unicul meu copil drag si diform pe care l-am fatat dupa multe ore chinuitoare de travaliu abject.
Blogul asta e dovada scrisa a neputintei mele de a ma adapta unei lumi in care majoritatea oamenilor functioneaza dupa regulile stabilite fara nicio problema…majora (in mod normal). E locul in care planuiam sa ma demasc si sa ma sochez cu propria mea nerusinare de a ma lasa descoperita in fata unui public restrans si plin de prejudecati care ma cunoaste sau nu in realitate. E locul in care trebuia sa am curajul sa-mi expun monstrii fara sa-mi fie rusine si frica de urmarile asupra vietii mele sociale (lolz). Locul in care dadeam oricui privilegiul nemeritat de a ma privi si-a ma condamna scarbit.
De multe ori am fost tentata sa-mi inabus sinceritatea cu cate-un ocolis deloc subtil sau cu un pic de autoironie ieftina, ca nah, asta-i firea umana. Sunt si eu victima multor procese psihice care imi permit sau nu sa recunosc cvasi-public evidentul. Dar asta nu inseamna ca nu sunt condusa de dorinta arzatoare de-a-mi expune bubele pentru cei ce ma iubesc si (iarta-i, Doamne) incearca sa ma accepte in continuare, pe de-o parte, si pentru cei ce abia asteapta sa foloseasca toate astea impotriva mea (da-le doamne cele de trebuinta ca tare-mi place sa am motive temeinice sa ma victimizez, macar ca ma distrage de la obisnuitele lamentari), de pe alta.
Simte-te deci, publicule, inarmat pana-n dinti. Poti veni aici ca sa cresti mare si puternic, asa cum numai danonino stie sa te faca. Dar sa nu crezi ca nu sunt constienta de asta. Gandeste-te ca am nobilitatea unui raufacator smerit care vine singur si nesilit de nimeni la spanzuratoare. N-ai niciun merit pentru caderea mea. Iar eu n-o sa fiu niciodata cea invinsa pentru ca nu imi pasa de destinul meu pe pamant. Imi pasa doar de destinul meu in mintea mea. Asta e adevarata arma care ma poate face sa sufar cu toata fiinta. Fac asta pentru ca visez la o lume ideala in care oamenii nu ar folosi niciodata avantajele gratuite, obtinute fara batai de cap, pentru a se ridica (da, se pare ca am tendinte mai biblice decat credeam).
Aici incerc eu sa par ca nu ma afecteaza propriile mele greseli. Ca lipsa mea de prejudecati ma elibereaza si ma face imuna atacurilor ticalosilor. Ca-i intelept sa nu raspund provocarilor. Incerc, ma jur, sa fiu dura si aroganta si rea, ca nah, asa am observat ca poti trai cel mai bine intr-o astfel de lume, dar pretul mi se pare prea mare. Fraiera de mine chiar s-a atasat de slabiciunea asta inocenta si naiva de-a-mi taia singura craca de sub picioare. Ahhh that’s so sweet… (cenzurat: injuratura lunga de impleticit limba).
Bineinteles ca stiu ca I bite more than I can chew, dar asta-i pentru ca is obisnuita sa-mi pregatesc mai intai tot materialul muncii dupa care ma apuc de treaba sisifoasa. Mi-as fi dorit sa fiu….offf…atat de multe. Da’ ce sa-i faci mama daca nu e material cognicios pus la dispozitie de natura ma-sii (pe care o iubim, de altfel)…ce sa faci daca n-ai cu ce mah, n-ai cu ce…
In concluzie (fara mare legatura, de altfel, pentru ca asa ne-au invatat profesorii de redactare corecta dupa norme academice), am putea oare sa numim acest blog terenul descoperirii de sine? Da, daca acceptam ca in acelasi timp e si terenul improscarii cu rahat a sinelui. …HA-HA… *rolling eyes*
She was a pretty little thief. Charming and irresistable. Nobody could refuse her company. She sometimes thought what a great use that could be for her, but she never actually had the courage to try it. She feared the consequences. She feared that her dark intentions would take the place of her pretty face and perfect curly hair. And nobody would want to look at her again. She knew that deep inside she craved for it. She knew what a great temptation it was to give in and act according to her moods. But never had she thought she would dare walk on that ground. That incredibly fragile ground that would give her the adrenaline rush she so needed.
Her dreams and wishes meant nothing. All she wanted is to fall freely in disgrace. To have the perfect freedom to let go of everything that she had created around her. To answer to nobody about her foolish acts. To do whatever atrocious deed without worrying about the monster it would make her. To be a sort of passing figure that nobody would recognize the second time.
There were days when she couldn’t get herself to look in the mirror. And there were days when she couldn’t take her eyes off her beautiful soft white skin, imagining the hands of a warm stranger on her bare cold shoulders who would for a few hours give her the satisfaction of breathing. No doubt she was alive. And no doubt she was dead. Whenever she would dare mourn herself, the beating of her heart boomed her chest and she could ignore it no longer.
A lot of kind people offered their support to the poor victim of nature that she was, so helpless and vulnerable to the evil of the world, and she was happy to accept it. In her lonely little apartment, playing her lonely little games… It’s the only thing she would never give up…her loneliness. Standing there by the window wondering why anyone would ever love her. And why anyone wouldn’t love her. And how others could just bear letting her pass by. She could never bear letting anyone pass by. She liked to smell every single perfume she would encounter, to consume any eye-contact until it would suck her in.
She wondered about love and such things and thought of trying to find it, but she didn’t know how to begin. She loved everyone she met because everyone meant something so different to her. She didn’t know how she could feel more. She thought that everything she has to give, she already gave. And nobody ever asked for more. Nobody even suggested there could be more. So what was love? Was she too insensitive to know it?
In the end she agreed that it didn’t matter. So many questions could only do her harm. So she stopped wondering and continued to love the light of the sunset and the silence of the stars. She could understand those. They would always keep her company and would never linger too long. Just enough so she wouldn’t feel forgotten.
 | Cis on night life in my bedroom |
| Cis on pushmebackintoatree |
 | Movi on pushmebackintoatree |
 | JustBeU on night life in my bedroom |
| Cis on pushmebackintoatree |
